I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.