“I will cook for you.” I threatened
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Thoughts
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.