I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.