I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
You Might Also Like
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
dads on road-trips be like
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.