I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
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I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
We decided to have money instead of children.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
They’re stuck in your pants?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.