I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
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its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me too door. Me too.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg