I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
They did not miss in the small print
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
consequences, the bane of my existence
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school