“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.