“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science