I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
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[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.