I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
peep davidson
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions