I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
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[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me, flirting😏
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*