#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
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My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets