I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
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Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?