I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
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Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”