I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Warm pools make me nervous.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.