I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.