@beefman138: I will never refer to 'drunk me' or 'sober me' because that implies the second one exists.
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@Sanbel11: My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping. I'm crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
@Snarfernini: I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
@AndyKindler: "I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That's crazy." Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
@bobvulfov: TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade