I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
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When you’ve simply given up.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks