I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
You Might Also Like
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.