i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?