WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
You Might Also Like
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot