I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
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Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident