I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
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Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I am yelling
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.