i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Herpes is trending, good job people
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.