I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.