@JimmerThatisAll: I will not rest until I've finished this nap!
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@dumbbeezie: Shopping with friend "Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!" Me: "What's leftover pizza?
@Henry_3k: As ice water runs down my face I conclude, "Boy, you sure like to eat bread!" is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
@SunshineJarboly: not a day goes by that i don't think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.