“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
hmm conte-me mais
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!