A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
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April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Yes my dude
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?