I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
when revenge coincides with naptime
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.