I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no