I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Phonetics
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???