me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
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If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.