GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
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I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.