My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Interior design 👌
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.