@delusions_of: I win about 60-65% of the arguments I have with myself.
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@fro_vo: [Date] Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat Her: thanks! i'll have a mai tai Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
@ComedicBust: DETECTIVE: What’s wrong, never seen a dead body before? ME: [biting nails] No sir. DETECTIVE: Well biting its nails isn’t going to help.
@maryjennaa: i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w
@jwoodham: The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven't worked out all the bugs yet.