[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Lassie, get help!
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.