I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.