I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Get off my horse you stupid moon
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.