I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.