I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.