@myonlymizztake: I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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@LuvPug: *posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters* Caption: I'm so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
@Iwriteforcats: [Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER.
@TheAlexNevil: Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to "sweep the leg". They've all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
@BuckyIsotope: [on game show] Choose a door for a goat or a new car "I'll take door #2" You've won the car! *sees it's a Kia* "Can I have the goat instead"