I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
buys donuts instead
This kid is going places
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Customer is always right
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
This made me smile…
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol