[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
#parenting
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I enjoy a good short stor
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*