@__candypants: I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.
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@michaelianblack: You know who's really upset about Romney losing? Wire coat hanger manufacturers.
@k_lli: My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers' dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
@Faux_Ma: He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered "What makes you think this is steak?" While I stroked his thigh with a knife.