It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Snapes on a plane.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?