I wish all tests were things you peed on
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.