@JennyJohnsonHi5: I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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@TheBoydP: Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She's Lucy. I'm the football.
@Quartzjixler: Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature.
@davidbfunny: Dear waiter, You messed up my order because you didn't write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip. Love, David
@KingRainhead: When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like "You're Doing A Great Job"