I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.