@JennyJohnsonHi5: I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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@KateWhineHall: Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
@Junkyardigan: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. *drops mic* *deletes account*
@Mr_Kapowski: Usually when I try to be slick and say "keep the change," the money I've handed over doesn't cover what I'm trying to purchase
@jackmackenroth: People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.