If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Social Media and Real life
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My brain is a bad influence on me
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?