Thanks to a fan for this one.
You Might Also Like
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Good morning.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.