Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Sing it!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away