@tomipuff: I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand
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@runawaycupcake: Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
@friendly_moon: [hostage situation] Any last words? "Nah, I'm good." If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you're prayers. "You are prayers. Lol."
@Reverend_Scott: JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life. LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder. JUDGE: Oh, then you're free to go.