I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
me when I see my crush
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”