Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
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I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder