[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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That’s incredible! 👌
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
it’s finally my moment to shine
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way