@Thee_Mikey_B: I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
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@ArfMeasures: [court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
@DevilryFun: I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
@jwoodham: Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I'm running late to a concert and I'm the guy who brings the giant beach ball.